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Dear Roger,

I afresh abounding the burial of one of my best friends. As I listened to the comments, I was abashed by how abounding bodies weren’t absolutely allowance the ancestors accord with their grief—me included.

I heard explanations about why God let the asleep actuality die so young; advance that they would eventually get over the pain; admonition on how to handle activity afterwards their admired one actuality around; promises that this charge be God’s will. Some alike said things like, “All things assignment calm for acceptable to those who adulation God.” Then, they’d ask the family, “You adulation God, don’t you?” The ancestors would respond, “Of course, we do.” Then, the acquaintance would say commodity like, “Well then, God promises that aggregate will assignment out good.”

But as the ancestors gazes into the casket, things don’t assume so acceptable afterwards all. Could you amuse allotment some things to say and some things not to say aback abating those who are hurting

Sincerely, Amelia

Dear Amelia,

Alexander Maclaren, the acclaimed Scottish pastor from the aftermost generation, said:

“Please be affectionate to anybody you meet, because anybody is angry a battle.”

Everyone is affliction about something.

It’s adamantine to absence seeing a burst arm aback it’s covered by a cast. On the added hand, it’s adamantine to see a burst heart.

Sometimes all I charge do is say a assertive name, and tears will appear to a friend’s eyes. We all hurt.

That’s why Julie and I activate every alliance appointment with anniversary of us captivation a can of Coca-Cola. We move abreast the advanced allowance and activate to agitate the can.

Maybe you aloof absent your job. Agitate the can. Maybe the refrigerator bankrupt down. Agitate the can again. One of the kids got expelled from school? Accord it a big shake. The doctor aloof said you accept cancer? Accord it a big shake, and don’t stop for at atomic a minute.

Then, we pretend that we’re activity to accessible the cans and aerosol Coke all over the room. Bodies dive for cover!

Everyone understands the symbolism. No one is sitting there altogether at peace. We all accept actuality abashed about on the inside.

Photo Credit: ©Unsplash/Ben White

We accord with affliction and aching bodies all the time. Unfortunately, too generally we accept no abstraction how to abundance them.

In Matthew 5:4, Jesus said:

Blessed are the ones who ache for they shall be comforted.

He lived his activity and admiral with hurting, aching people. Anticipate about the lepers, tax collectors, and prostitutes who activate healing in Jesus’s adulation and acceptance. They mourned. He listened…and He comforted.

The advocate Paul wrote:

Praise be to the ancestor of compassion…And the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can abundance those in any agitation with the abundance we ourselves accept from God – 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

Take affection in Paul’s words for a moment. God comforts us, so we can abundance others. We don’t abundance alone! The Master Comforter works in and through us.

My acquaintance David Ferguson poignantly illustrated the actual affliction way to handle accession who’s struggling:

Imagine your 10-year-old addled out with the bases loaded and his aggregation lost. Or, maybe he came home to acquaint you that he didn’t alike accomplish the team.

What do you say?

“That’s life.”

“Better luck abutting time.”

“You didn’t absolutely apprehend to accomplish it, did you?”

STOP.

Imagine your 14-year-old babe was atrociously teased on the academy bus and comes home weeping. She is aggravating to call to you the affliction and the embarrassment and the ridicule.

What do you say to your child?

“What did you do to account them to amusement you like that?”

STOP.

Those accouchement bare comfort. They got condemnation.

Look at what Jesus said again:

Blessed are they who mourn, for they shall accept comfort. – Matthew 5:4

Let me about-face that ballad about a little bit to allegorize some of the things we say that don’t help:

Blessed are they who mourn, for they shall be told how to fix it…

For they shall be told, all things assignment calm for acceptable to those who adulation God…

For they shall be told, “Don’t cry. It absolutely doesn’t aching as abundant as you think!”

For they shall accept a pep talk…

For they shall be accustomed argumentation and reasons…

For they shall be told how to do it bigger abutting time…

For they shall be told why it absolutely was their fault…

For they shall be told, “What happened to you isn’t about as bad as what happened to me”…

For they shall be told, “Stop worrying, it will all be OK.”

STOP.

Jesus said:

Blessed are they who mourn, for they shall accept comfort. – Matthew 5:4

Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/Prostock-Studio

Comfort is emotional, activity words.

Let’s acknowledgment to our abstract scenarios from earlier. Try these answers for your kids instead:

“I am so sad that your accompany advised you harshly…that had to aching so badly.”

“You were so ashamed aback they teased you on the bus. That aloof break my heart.”

“That is not the way activity is declared to be. I’m so sorry.”

“Your affection is aching that you didn’t accomplish the team. My affection aches with you.”

“I aching for you because I adulation you.”

This is what abundance sounds like. It has emotion. It enters into the person’s affliction with love.

Only aching and abating heals hurts—and we cannot do this alone.

Julie was teaching a academy for abbey orchestra conductors on trends in abreast worship. The appointment leaders told me that I could accept the abutting two hours with the wives and advise on any accountable that I wanted.

I apperceive commodity about ministers’ wives. Their hurts are so abysmal that if you accord me bristles sentences, I can accept the allowance in tears. So I started teaching on aching and comforting.

As I was teaching, I noticed abundant big tears bottomward bottomward the cheeks of one minister’s wife. As she aloft her hand, she blurted out, “It is no admiration my accouchement are so hard. I haven’t cried in 16 years.”

“Excuse me,” I said to the group. So I began to abundance her, “I’m so apologetic you’re affliction so badly. I can’t brainstorm how abundant you charge aching central if you can’t alike cry.”

She wasn’t acclimated to this at all. Suddenly, she said, “Stop it! Stop it! You’re accomplishing it to me.”

“Doing what?”

“You’re aggravating to abundance me.”

“Well, what do you expect? You aloof advance aching all over the room, and I apperceive what to do aback I see hurt. I abundance it.”

As I paused to accumulate my thoughts she said, “Well, don’t stop now, this feels absolutely good.”

At that moment I accomplished that I still had an hour of teaching time left. But I’d said enough.

“Do you anticipate you could amphitheater your chairs in groups of three or four, and allotment some hurts and abundance anniversary other?”

Did they ever!

In best of our activity journeys, we’ve not done a acceptable job of healing these hurts.

Chuck Swindoll shares several simple thoughts apropos comforting. Let’s use six of them as a guideline on how to be an able comforter:

If a acquaintance has a affection attack, it’s not continued afore you’re bottomward at the hospital. You don’t delay for an invitation.

No one bare to accelerate a buzzer to Job’s comforters. They were already there.  

We accept to apprentice to accept to what affliction bodies are absolutely saying.

This reminds me of a story:

A man asked his wife, “If you could accept annihilation in the apple for one day, what would you want?”

She said with a smile, “Well, I’d adulation to be six again.”

Early the abutting morning, the morning of her altogether he got her up, and off they went to a bounded affair park. What a day. He put her on every ride in the park—the afterlife slide, the agreeable loop, the bank of fear—five hours after she staggered out of the affair park. Her arch was reeling, her abdomen was upside-down.

Off abutting to McDonald’s. He ordered her two Big Macs forth with added chips and a blubbery amber shake. After he bought her popcorn, M&Ms, and Pepsi. It was a aces six-year-old’s adventure.

Finally she wobbled home with her bedmate and burst into bed. He leaned over and acquiescently asked, “Well dear, how did you like actuality six again?”

One eye opened, she said, “Well, actually, I meant my dress size.”

Listen anxiously so that you can access into their affecting world. Be sad aback they are sad. Feel the aforementioned affect that they are feeling.

Julie’s best friend, Ellen, absent her bedmate to a massive affection advance at age 45. One affair Julie apparent that acutely adored Ellen was aback Julie would allocution about how abundant she absent Larry, too. They reminisced and wept with anniversary added about their lives together.

Comfort agency that we accept and acknowledge to their affections and not acknowledge to their words. Best women accept this ample out. Men tend to blunder here.

Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/Lorenzo Antonucc

It’s not aberrant to see a comforter in the room—fighting aback tears—when he or she sees pain. John tells us that “Jesus wept” (John 11:35), not because Lazarus died, but because He acquainted benevolence for the affliction of Mary, Martha, and the abounding accompany of Lazarus acquisition about the tomb.

Job’s accompany were abashed aback they saw him. They didn’t admit him. They went to his homestead, and the abode didn’t alike attending the same. Aggregate was destroyed. Not alike a babyish dupe was around. Somebody asked, “Where is Job?” The answer, “I don’t know. He larboard some time ago. I anticipate he’s at the burghal dump.”

They went to the dump. Job had no hair, his bathrobe was torn, and he was sitting there with dung afire abreast him and dogs adjacent and the debris around, and they wept. They got bottomward in the dust with him. 

Comforters aren’t angry off because the allowance doesn’t aroma good. They don’t leave because their acquaintance weighs bisected of what he acclimated to weigh. They don’t alike apprehension aback he’s lying in a hospital gown. They see above all of that.

One of Julie’s angel accompany died a abhorrent blight death. Julie watched her abate to 85 pounds. Julie and Donna had chaperoned 46 adolescence trips, choir tours, and orchestra admiral trips together. They had hauled date accessories and adapted for athirst teenagers. Donna would do all the jobs that no one abroad would do. She was Julie’s adoration accomplice and confidant.

When Donna was so sick, Julie was abashed to see her in such agony. Donna’s throat actually oozed infection. But, God said, “Julie, you charge to admonition her die.”

So they sang together, prayed together, apprehend Scripture together, and suffered together. The aftermost time Julie saw Donna alive, she acquainted God acquaint her to apprehend to Donna Jesus’ affiance in John 14: 

Do not let your hearts be troubled. Assurance in God, assurance additionally in me. In my father’s abode are abounding rooms…I am activity there to adapt a abode for you and if I go and adapt a abode for you I will appear aback afresh and booty you to be with me that you additionally may be area I am. – John 14:1-3

Julie concluded, “It’s not activity to be some ablaze ablaze or some adorable being. Jesus himself is advancing to get you and accompany you home.”

And not continued afterward, He came. 

When our babe Jessie was dying, we had abounding visitors. Some came and ministered abundant comfort. Some ministered accusation (“If you aloof had abundant faith, this never would accept happened.”)

I was sitting in the hospital one afternoon, broken by grief. Accession came and talked to me of God, of God’s dealings, of God’s will, of why it happened, of achievement above the grave. He talked constantly. He said things I knew were true.

I admired he’d go away.

Another came and sat beside me. He didn’t talk. He didn’t ask arch questions. He aloof sat beside me an hour or more. He listened aback I said something. He answered briefly, prayed simply, and left.

I was moved, and I was comforted. I hated to see him go.

You’ve done it appropriate aback they abhorrence to see you go. 

We don’t accept to delay to abundance accession who’s hurting. Today is a abundant day to begin.

As the Saturday morning appointment commenced, one pastor could hardly delay to acquaint us about his acquaintance the aftermost evening. He was pumping gas, aback his babe alleged to acquaint him that she had a car wreck.

“My old archetypal was, criticism, judgment, and accepting information,” he said. “Was it your fault? What happened? What did the badge say? Was the allowance agenda in the cuff administration area it was declared to be? Can you still drive the car? Area are you? Are you abiding it was not your fault?”

Instead, I absitively to try what I abstruse yesterday. “I’m so apologetic this happened to you. You charge be terrified. You don’t charge to be upset. Aggregate will assignment out fine. I’ll appear appropriate over.”

My babe paused for absolutely a continued time and afresh she said, “Daddy, is that you?”

Well, Andy, I achievement this helps. For certain, now you apperceive what to do aback you see pain. You abundance it.

Love, Roger

Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/fizkes

Dr. Roger Barrier retired as chief teaching pastor from Casas Abbey in Tucson, Arizona. In accession to actuality an columnist and approved appointment speaker, Roger has mentored or accomplished bags of pastors, missionaries, and Christian leaders worldwide. Casas Church, area Roger served throughout his 35-year career, is a megachurch accepted for a well-integrated, multi-generational ministry. The amount of including new ancestors is acutely built-in throughout Casas to admonition the abbey move acerb appropriate through the twenty-first aeon and beyond. Dr. Barrier holds degrees from Baylor University, Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary, and Golden Gate Seminary in Greek, religion, theology, and pastoral care. His accepted book, Listening to the Voice of God, appear by Bethany House, is in its additional press and is accessible in Thai and Portuguese. His latest assignment is, Got Guts? Get Godly! Pray the Adoration God Guarantees to Answer, from Xulon Press. Roger can be activate blogging at Preach It, Advise It, the pastoral teaching armpit founded with his wife, Dr. Julie Barrier.